Episode 93 - Boundaries - the Building Blocks for Solid Relationships
In this podcast episode, I dive into the topic of setting boundaries in relationships .
You'll learn what they are (and that, contrary to what some people think, they are NOT universal).
Failing to recognize or establish boundaries can result in stress, anger, and even the dissolution of a relationship.
In this Episode you'll get practical advice on how to set and enforce boundaries effectively, such as
regulating the nervous system during conflicts
communicating boundaries clearly and honestly
realising that setting boundaries is not an attack, but rather a necessary conversation to address unresolved issues.
The main teachings and takeaways from this Episode:
Boundaries are personal non-negotiables that differ for each individual based on their background, values, and experiences.
Ignoring or neglecting boundaries can lead to stress, anger, and potential relationship breakdown.
Setting and enforcing boundaries requires self-reflection, clear communication, and regulating the nervous system during conflicts.
Establishing boundaries = being in integrity.
Show notes:
Episode 3 - People Pleasing
https://managingthesmartmind.buzzsprout.com/1960175/10316527-episode-3-people-pleasing
Full Episode Text
Episode 93 - Boundaries - Building Blocks for Solid Relationships
Hey smart human,
Welcome to this third part of our series on smart relationships.
We’ve looked at dating at attraction.
We’ve looked at compromise.
Now it’s time for another important ingredient in successful relationships (whether romantic or otherwise): boundaries.
So what is a boundary?
Simplest way of saying it is: a boundary is something that is completely non-negotiable for YOU.
Boundaries are not about absolute values - although most humans share common boundaries around stealing, lying, murdering and the like.
Boundaries are personal non-negotiables.
And that is exactly why they are so important in relationships.
Different people can have boundaries around very different things.
And unawareness of these boundaries, or not enforcing them, can then cause an awful lot of stress, anger, fighting and - eventually, the end of the relationship.
Now for this series I’m focusing on Romantic relationships but of course this is just as important in friendships, family relationships, at work, etc.
You need to first of all, be aware of your boundaries; and second, be willing and able to enforce them if necessary.
Let’s look at some specific examples.
I am in a monogamous relationship with my partner - and this, for me, is a non-negotiable.
Same with sticking to your promises. I want to have a relationship with someone I can 100% rely on.
Some other people may not have these non-negotiables at all. They may be much more flexible than I am.
And that is totally OK - I just wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with them because they would cross my boundaries.
Now I want you to think about what your boundaries are in romantic relationships.
Or, in other words: what, to you is a hard ‘NO’?
If you can, pause the podcast and make a list.
Then check the list to make sure they’re non-negotiables.
For example, there are many things I would like to be different in my relationship and household, and I’m the same goes for my partner.
We all have preferences - and it is absolutely lovely when the world complies with them.
But, as you know from the last Episode on compromise, usually the other humans we share our lives with have different preferences, that don’t always align with ours.
Maybe they love to stuff the living room full with bric-a-brac where you prefer blank walls and empty spaces.
Maybe they love to eat stake - and you’re a vegetarian.
Maybe it’s essential to them to go off on their own for a couple of days each month - and you think that is the most ridiculous thing ever.
As long as they don’t try to force you to live like them, these issues do not require boundaries. They require loving communication and probably some compromise.
But let’s look at what most people would say is a deal-breaker; a non-negotiable: talking disrespectfully.
If this is a boundary for you (and I am hoping that it is), you need to be willing to enforce it.
This can be hard when you love someone very much.
It can be hard when you’re an empath and have compassion, and think you understand why they’re behaving like this.
And it can be almost impossible when you (and your nervous system) are terrified of conflict.
Not to mention all the cultural conditioning you’ve probably received when growing up to appease people, rather than meet them head-on.
The problem is - if you do not set boundaries and enforce them, your relationship is pretty much doomed.
Allowing someone to constantly cross the line, however much you love them, will gradually undermine your self-confidence and self-trust - and breed a shit ton of resentment.
Now don’t get me wrong, this is a slow process, it can go on for years - but why have a festering relationship rather than a flowering one?
So if this is you - if you have a hard time setting and enforcing boundaries, here’s what you need to do.
Figure out whether your nervous system goes into freeze/flight/fright/fawn response during conflict - and if so, learn how to regulate it.
Decide that you’d rather live with yourself and your values than with someone else without them.
Practice setting boundaries in small steps - and slowly building your self-confidence that you can, and will be OK if someone doesn’t like or agree with your non-negotiable.
By the way that last part is very important.
I think too many people think they need to get their partner ‘on board’ with their non-negotiable. That’s nice, for sure, but not at all necessary. They just need to respect your boundary - don’t try to make them ‘understand it’ or feel the same way about it as you.
But first things first: if your heart ALWAYS starts to beat like crazy during conflict then your nervous system probably needs some help.
You may hire a therapist to work with you on this or look up somatic practices to help you regulate your nervous system.
If you know and trust your partner enough, you can also ask them to help you in this process if you think they are willing and able to hold space both for you and themselves (this is not an easy thing to do).
You can tell them ‘I’m noticing that my body is in overdrive and that it doesn’t know how to calm down - can you give me a moment?’ And then put your hand on your heart and take a couple of deep, calm breaths to reset.
Then think about something that you would like to set a boundary around, but have been avoiding communicating with your partner.
Think about the boundary - and the consequences if your partner doesn’t respect it.
Now, again, don’t immediately go to doom and gloom.
Not all relationship boundaries are ‘if you don’t abide by this rule I will have to end our relationship’.
There are lots of different types of consequences.
An example of a less dramatic boundary can be that if you see that your partner loses their temper, you leave the room and don’t come back until they’ve calmed down.
Boundary: I will not be around you when you lose your temper
Consequence when the boundary is crossed: leaving the room
Now it’s very important to realise that boundaries are NOT designed to change other people’s behaviour. To make them do your bidding.
That is manipulation (or worse, emotional blackmail).
This is NOT about always having things your way.
It is about being aware of what your core values around a relationship are - your non-negotiables - and being willing to put a stake in the ground for them.
And you will find that in general, most partners are actually HAPPY when you set a boundary and you communicate it clearly.
They’d much rather know now - and be asked whether or not they are willing to respect it - rather than be in a relationship with you that is built on non-aligned values.
So boundaries are also about getting honest.
About integrity.
If you’re a people pleaser, boundaries can be especially hard - and you want to check out the episode on that too, I’ll leave a link in the show notes.
But for now, think about this:
What is non-negotiable for you in a romantic relationship?
Have you communicated those non-negotiables to your partner?
If not, how can you ease into doing that on a regular basis?
One final thing.
A lot of people see the act of setting a boundary as an attack.
Instead of putting a stake in the sand, they feel it’s more like hitting someone with it.
And yes, if you’ve always pretended things were ‘fine’ it may be a bit of a jolt for the other person to realise some things are NOT fine.
They may not like it and they may not be happy.
That doesn’t mean you’ve attacked them (although, to be fair, it does depend on your tone of voice etc.). It’s more a ‘bad news’ confirmation.
Hey honey, there’s something I need to tell you is very different from ‘I AM SO DONE WITH THIS YOU CAN NEVER AGAIN DO X’.
So be gentle. And truthful.
And be OK with the other person not liking what you’re saying. Don’t try to make them feel better - this IS bad news for them. Stand in that truth. Accept that this isn’t fun for them either.
Also: if you’re going to have this conversation, why not make it go both ways?
Get curious - and ask your partner what their non-negotiables are.
And if you're still in the early stages of a relationship this can even be a playful conversation although, admittedly, maybe not on the first date.
So - get clear on your non-negotiables.
If you haven’t already: communicate them to your partner.
If they’re breached, be ready to enforce.
Rinse.
Repeat.
And build heaps of self-respect in the process.
Have an amazing week!
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Want to fall back in love with your life and work? Then I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, or Instagram to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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